life is too short to waste time being sad

i do this diligently every year. reflect on the past year and anticipate the coming one with some pretentiousambitious (and admittedly, at times recycled) resolutions. it's already feb 2012 now and i wonder if the delay is due to the fact that i can't bear to do so. perhaps this might be the start of a badly needed change.

i am more lost now than ever. i have been pretty much a contented person my whole life before; to quote yiting, i always look like i ate rainbows for breakfast. these days, there's this constant nagging voice at the back of my head asking if this is as good as it gets, if this is what i really want. truth be told, i wouldn't paint the current picture of me in my ideal world. but when i look back at my old world which i am fairly satisfied with, i don't think that would have been what i'd dreamt of at the start yet even if given a chance today, i don't wanna change any of it, including the nightmarish episodes. why? probably because i lived in those moments and strove to make the best out of every single damn thing instead of dwelling on whether i would be better off otherwise.

2011 was a good year. i graduated (finally) and i'm happy to say i managed to milk out whatever leftover experiences in my last semester of hall. there was aca which brought the joys of singing on stage with a mike, last ihgsss, command preparation and the crazy shit we did with the fyfs like camping on the rooftop/climbing trees and goalposts. there was the memorable huay khao lip experience followed by USA. school was forgettable though but i'm just glad i did okay -- which brings me back to my point earlier. i never enjoyed school much, it was always by-the-way, an obligation whose bare minimum i had to fulfill while i indulged myself in my interests. maybe i shld start applying the same philosophy to work as well. i am confused with the inundation of choices, tempted by the prospect of working my passion - but honestly, is there even a way i can do that or is that just a myth to distract me from the formula of happiness i've been following all my life?

so in 2012, i am determined to find out the direction i wanna follow onward. and of course, the usual little things to keep me happy: drink less, run more; take less, give more; sleep less, do more. 

baby steps:
1) keep fit. run at least twice a week? just registered for sundown marathon in may 2012 :o
2) driving license (damn this is recycled and long overdue)
3) boating license (signed up through groupon!)
4) spanish classes! (prepare for south america and brazil world cup 2014?)
5) sustainable volunteer project (getting in touch with singapore special olympics)
6) eat healthily, wake early
7) make time to read, think and write.
8) start something new.

at least even if i don't know where i'm going, i am on my way...

alright i'm still alive. back from my two long summer trips - one to do volunteer work in chiangmai and the other just, fooling around in the US. i guess it's time to clear the cobwebs gathered here coz it's been too long since i've last written.

the american experience for me was pretty cool. although i was secretly reluctant to leave before that, my memories fresh from the frugal but carefree life in huay khao lip (i will update more on that definitely). and of coz, i left my heart in europe a long time ago. but i really liked the US. i loved new york. vegas was da bomb. i realized how much i missed spending time with my family when we strolled down the colourful Strip together, enjoying all the free shows (fountains and half-naked dances alike) and hopping from one jackpot machine to another, cheering with every small win. and of coz there was the hiking of the grand canyon rim despite mom complaining that the view looked the same everywhere. it was especially nice when we take a break, sharing some rock to sit on and enjoying the vastness; retreating back at the end of the day to our cozy lodge and waking up super early to catch the sunrise in the freezing dawn.

i think 2010 made me a less contented person, yet it's not necessarily a bad thing i guess. if ignorance is bliss, would you rather be kept happy in your beautifully-conjured bubble, or wake up to see what the real world beyond actually is like, but never to be as satisfied as before?

the bulk of my last year was spent on exchange. probably the best 6 months of my life, yet it seems rather pathetic that this sneak peak is gonna be as good as it gets. of coz it wasn't all only about the mountains and lakes, but the mindset of the people that i've met whom i dream but will never dare to become like. at 22, i still do not know exactly what i believe in and what i really wanna work towards. even when i returned, i've been floating around and going with the flow - just like what i've done all my life. maybe it was the interview that made me realize how much better i could have utilized my life, or the conversations with people who left the starting line with me at the same time but somehow got so much further ahead now. university life was supposed to be where i find myself and pursued my passion in a field where i'd love to work in for life, yet i seemed to have forgotten that and treated my education today mutually exclusive from my possible career in future. at the end of four years, i've dabbled in a little of this and that, played like crazy but still back to square one - utterly clueless. and it sucks that this is already my last semester haha.

well... at least the realization of mediocrity is a start?